This blog is updated in 2020
01 Happy New Year! Let’s Party
No matter where you choose to ring in the new year, you’ll most likely discover the same sort of people at whatever party you attend. You’ve got your dancers, your barfers, your what-have-yous…. All of whom are fun to hang out with, but even more fun to mock! This New Year’s Eve, take a look around at your fellow party-goers and see if you can spot the following types of revelers. Oh, and most importantly, have a very Happy New Year!
02New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Dancing Queen
She’s possessed by the groove and convinced that she’s got some serious dancing skills. To the rest of us she may move like a wounded koala, but in her head, she’s Tina Turner, Beyonce, and J-Lo all wrapped into one luscious package.
03 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Puker
Also known as “the lightweight,” this person simply can’t hold their liquor. As long as they make it to the toilet, it’s all good. Just don’t tie up the bathroom all night, mkay?
04 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Guy Who Goes Too Far
Jump off the roof and into the pool? Okay. Strap fireworks onto a scooter and blast yourself across the backyard? Sure, why not? This guy may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he definitely never met a challenge he didn’t want to accept.
05 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Philosopher
This person is convinced that they’re poised on the edge of having a mind-blowing epiphany. The universe is clicking into place, and he’s suddenly been blessed with the intellect of Socrates. It’s his night to solve all of the world’s problems…. Lucky us.
06 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Selfie-Taker
Some people need to stop and take a selfie no matter where they are or what they’re doing. Naturally, a NYE party is the PERFECT SELFIE PLACE OMG.
07 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Crying Girl
Maybe she just got dumped, or maybe she’s just working through some stuff. Either way, when that booze hits her system, here come the waterworks. You’ll most likely find her huddled in the bathroom with a friend idly rubbing her back while muttering soothing words.
08 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Resolution-Maker
After a few drinks, they’re convinced that this is the year they’re going to lose 50 pounds, get a massive raise, and generally blossom into a beautiful butterfly by using sheer will power. Good luck with that, buddy. No, really; we’re rooting for ya!
09 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The One Who Gets Mushy
Four words: “I love you, man.”
10 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Hipster Guy Who’s Been There, Done That
This guy is maybe a little older than everybody else, so he definitely thinks his opinion is more valid than yours. Everything you’re doing is cute, because he did it like, a decade ago, back when it was cool.
11 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The One Who Tries To Kiss Everyone
S/he is really friendly, but after one too many cocktails, they move on from “I love you, man” to “I want to put my tongue down your throat, man.” Which can either be really awesome or really awkward.
12 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Spiller
Red wine on a white carpet? Check.
Beer on your couch? Check.
Vomit on your stairs? You betcha! The spiller has been here.
13 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Mother Hen
She may be drunk too, but she will always be there to hold your hair back or rescue you from that creepy guy. Thanks, Mother Hen!
14 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The Designated Driver
He’s doing a good deed, and he won’t let you forget it. He’s also not drunk, which entitles him to look upon the other revelers with pity while reminding them of how hungover they’ll be tomorrow. Fun!
15 New Year’s Eve Drunks: The One Who Couldn’t Stay Awake
Stay awake until midnight? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No.
Enjoy scrubbing the Sharpie from your face, and happy New Year!